tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32662885312704444272024-02-08T12:16:55.462-08:00Mostly IrrelephantI post the most entertaining things I can find that have nothing to do with elephants.
So, it is truly irrelephant.Mostly Irrelephanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15045172413374272891noreply@blogger.comBlogger53125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266288531270444427.post-52316376952279612122011-05-23T08:52:00.000-07:002011-05-23T08:52:00.501-07:00Just some good 'uns I found surfing the web. Some short, some longer but all are funny... at least to meConversation in the office: "Did you take French?" "No, I took German. But THEY took France, so..."<br />
<br />
I just over heard a friend saying " on a scale of Anne Frank to Osama Bin Laden.... How good is my hiding spot?"<br />
<br />
I told a girl once that if she had as many penises sticking out of her that had been stuck in her she would look like a porcupine.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
The best reason for calling in sick at work?<br />
Anal glaucoma!<br />
As in "I just couldn't see my ass coming into work today..."<br />
<br />
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.<br />
<br />
You know, I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.<br />
<br />
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.<br />
<br />
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."<br />
<br />
6 plastic toy horses found inside a woman's vagina.<br />
Patient's condition was described as "stable."<br />
<br />
How do you titillate an ocelot?<br />
You oscillate its tit a lot.<br />
<br />
An old lady in front of me at the ATM asked me to help her check her balance.<br />
So I pushed her over.<br />
<br />
What's the best part about being a pedophile? Your cock looks FUCKING HUGE in pictures.<br />
<br />
Why do Mexican teenagers walk around school like they own the place? Because their fathers built it and their mothers clean it.<br />
<br />
A man walks into a pharmacy. The pharmacist says "Hi can I help you ?" The man says "I need to get some birth control for my 11 year old daughter." The pharmacist says "Your 11 year old daughter is sexual active ?" The man says "Nah.. she just lays there like her mother."<br />
<br />
I called up the rape advice hotline yesterday. Apparently it's only for victims.<br />
<br />
If the Simpsons taught us anything, it's that we shouldn't put yellow people in charge of nuclear power plants.<br />
<br />
Say what you like about these servicemen amputees from Iraq and Afghanistan, but we're going to have a fucking good Paralympic team in 2012<br />
<br />
So I was eating out my grandma, right? When all of a sudden I started to taste donkey semen. I was like aw, Grandma, that's how you died?<br />
<br />
Teach a Japanese man to fish, he'll eat for a day. Give a Japanese man a net and he might find his family.<br />
<br />
A snail is on his way to work. Suddenly, a turtle knocks him down and steals his wallet.<br />
Moments later, the police arrive. They ask the snail what happened. He said, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."<br />
<br />
Birthday wish<br />
Forget about the past, you can't change it. Forget about the future, you can't predict it. Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.<br />
<br />
Police department, can I help you?<br />
Hello? Well, I just hit a pig with my car, what should I do?<br />
Oh, just shove it in the ditch, sir.<br />
Okay, and what do I do with the motorcycle? Do you guys want it back?Mostly Irrelephanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15045172413374272891noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266288531270444427.post-55137570095212293092011-05-21T07:58:00.001-07:002011-05-21T07:58:25.253-07:00The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencilLittle Susie was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class.<br />
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.<br />
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'<br />
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When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his #2 pencil and jabbed her in the rear.<br />
'God Almighty!', shouted Susie.<br />
<br />
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..<br />
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'<br />
<br />
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.<br />
'Jesus Christ!!!', shouted Susie.<br />
<br />
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.<br />
<br />
The class went on at about the end, the Nun asked Susie a third question...<br />
'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her 23rd child?'<br />
<br />
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.<br />
This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'I swear to God, if you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'<br />
<br />
...and the nun fainted.Mostly Irrelephanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15045172413374272891noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266288531270444427.post-70272883046007384902011-05-09T09:20:00.001-07:002011-05-09T09:20:57.364-07:00Stuff I have to teach my nephews- Teach them to yell "are you having sex?!" every time he knocks on a locked door.<br />
- Teach my nephews a new game called “Hide the Remote”. The rules were simple, if they see a remote, they must hide it. As long as it is hidden, they are winning.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
- Every time we ride in the car together with my sister and we pass a cop car, I go "Act casual, it's the fuzz."<br />
So, of course, my sister gets pulled over. First words out of the oldest's mouth were of course, "Act casual, it's the fuzz."<br />
I laugh it about it now, my sister, not so much.<br />
- Teach them to set and hide egg timers<br />
- Teach teem the 'Slap hands on cheeks and scream AAAAHHHHHHHH!' from Home Alone. I also watched the movie with them so they got the context. They really love to run into their parent's room in the middle of the night and do it.Mostly Irrelephanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15045172413374272891noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266288531270444427.post-24038456393927397342011-04-25T13:28:00.000-07:002011-04-25T13:28:27.467-07:00One week vacation, yaySo, once in a great while I do get some time off to just relax. This week, I won't be online at all if you can believe it. Well, not really. I still have to check my emails. But other than that I'm off the grid.<br />
So I'll just leave you all with a funny picture I found this week.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://i.imgur.com/Rp0Wx.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="231" src="http://i.imgur.com/Rp0Wx.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Mostly Irrelephanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15045172413374272891noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266288531270444427.post-13114583652693369972011-04-22T04:36:00.000-07:002011-04-22T04:36:14.307-07:00I pride myself in standing up for myself - even if it's a little unconventional at timesAt one point in my life, I did some time working overnights stocking shelves at my local Supermarket.<br />
I had just moved home after graduating from college and was willing to take any job I could find while I looked for a 'real job'.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
Anywho, I got the job and was told that I would need to shave my goatee. Fucking hell, why? Its not like my facial hair was going to fall into cans of soup...<br />
I shaved the first night but soon hatched a plan to regrow my goatee. This decision would lead to glorious reprocussions down the line.<br />
<br />
First a little background on the folks who worked the night shift, hiding from the rest of the world:<br />
<br />
Night Manager Guy: Timid, early 40s. Worked at this store for 10+ years. Lived with parents. Was afraid of confrontation. Never mentioned that my goatee was growing back or that I was showing up 2 hours late everyday stoned to the bejeebus belt.<br />
<br />
Shelf Stocker Guy #1: stuck in 80s. Rocked a mullet and acid washed jeans. Always told tales of growing up driving around the country in his dad's semitruck. Possible meth addiction. Rode bike to work everyday. Lived with parents. Referred to himself as "Assistant Night Manager" even though no such position existed.<br />
<br />
Shelf Stocker Guys Girlfriend/Shelf Stocker Gal #1: terrible frizzy 80s hair. acid washed jeans. Missing multiple teeth. Also rode bike to work. Was once fired from her position for stealing bottles of cooking wine and drinking them. Was rehired after going to rehab. Still stole bottles of cooking wine.<br />
<br />
Shelf Stocker Guys #2, #3, #4 and #5: The scum of humanity. Drunks, drug addicts, womanizers... Working overnight at grocery store to hide from rest of world. Combined IQ of 30. Hated me for having high school diploma (and college degree).<br />
<br />
Anywho, I did not take this job seriously. I showed up (multiple hours) late and always left (multiple hours) early. I did this for MONTHS and no one ever said anything to me. Night Manager was too timid to open his mouth and others were too fucked up on drugs to ever notice. I also had regrown my goatee to it's former glory.<br />
<br />
This all changed one day when Night Manager Guy went on vacation and SSG#1 took over as 'Acting Night Manager' (what he referred to himself as).<br />
<br />
I showed up at the stroke of 12:30am (high as shit, natch) and grabbed my cart of stock and began to fill the shelves.<br />
<br />
Not five minutes pass until SSG#1 comes up to me...<br />
<br />
SSG#1: Hey Dead Doug, how many times have I told you that you need to shave before coming to work?<br />
<br />
Me: Ummm...never? Do you remember that you're not the boss?<br />
<br />
SSG#1: I'm the boss when TIMID NIGHT MANAGER is gone, and I need you to shave.<br />
<br />
[hands me bic disposable razor]<br />
<br />
SSG#1: Go in the back room and clean that goatee up.<br />
<br />
Me: You want me to shave my goatee off dry? No water or shaving cream?<br />
<br />
SSG#1: Yes, this will teach you to shave before work!<br />
<br />
At this point, an argument ensues and I convince him to get me a fancy Gillette Mach 3 razor for the shaving and a nice can of gel shaving cream.<br />
<br />
I take my $20 worth of shaving material to the upstairs bathroom and proceed to cut my goatee into the best handlebar mustache/fu manchu the world has ever known. I got back out onto the floor and SSG#1 is waiting for me.<br />
<br />
SSG#1: The manual sez that your mustache has to be cut to the corner of your mouth!!! Its too long!<br />
<br />
At this point I have had enough of SSG#1 and bullshit arbitrary rules. I'm about ready to tell to go fuck himself and walk out but I decided to have a little fun with the situation.<br />
<br />
Again, I make him buy me a new razor for the Mach 3 and I go upstairs and this time cut my goatee into the prettiest Hitler stache the world has ever known.<br />
<br />
I go back out to the sales floor, goose-step to SSG#1 and tell him 'Thanks for the shave' and flip the double middle fingers as I goose-step across the store and out to my car...like a boss.Mostly Irrelephanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15045172413374272891noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266288531270444427.post-31126102137411618632011-04-20T10:30:00.001-07:002011-04-20T10:30:31.691-07:00I really shouldn't go on flights anymore. I am starting to think it's meJust before a short flight the plane stopped on the runway because of a "mechanical issue." They turned the plane around and went back to the gate.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
I was sitting near the front and could hear everything that was going on. There was a mechanic outside who was talking to the pilot. He took a wrench and banged! on something a few times and said, "Is the light off yet?" The pilot yelled back, "No."<br />
Bang, bang, bang.<br />
"How about now?"<br />
"Yep. Good to go!"<br />
<br />
Five minutes later we were in the air and I was wishing I could unhear that conversation.Mostly Irrelephanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15045172413374272891noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266288531270444427.post-41367055877857154272011-04-18T09:20:00.000-07:002011-04-18T09:20:37.944-07:00You should be able to trust your pilot, shouldn't you?So, we're flying to the US and about 30 seconds before we were due to land, (obviously we're travelling extremely fast at this point) an automated message comes over the speaker<br />
<a name='more'></a> saying:<br />
"WARNING. WARNING. PLEASE TAKE THE EVASIVE MANEUVER AND COVER YOUR HEADS. PREPARE FOR A CRASH LANDING."<br />
<br />
Naturally, I was terrified at this point as we're about 50 ft from the ground, travelling at huge speed and everyone thought we were going to crash.<br />
After a short time of uncertainty, another automated message says<br />
<br />
"PREPARE FOR A WATER LANDING."<br />
<br />
Now, at this point we're about 20ft above the run way and we all just looked out the window, at the solid ground all kind of confused.<br />
As we touch down the pilot apologises and explains he pressed the wrong button.<br />
<br />
I thought I was going to die.Mostly Irrelephanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15045172413374272891noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266288531270444427.post-87388942605312171412011-04-15T09:34:00.000-07:002011-04-15T09:34:55.836-07:00It's friday and during the week this stuff kinda builds upYou know how it is. All week long you get berated and get loads of work shoved at you.<br />
But you can't really say anything if you like getting a paycheck.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
As an outlet, here is a list of things I <b>wish</b> I could reply in various situations I run into week in and week out.<br />
<br />
# I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.<br />
# I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fuck.<br />
# How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?<br />
# It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.<br />
# I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.<br />
# Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.<br />
# You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.<br />
# I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.<br />
# The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.<br />
# Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.<br />
# I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.<br />
# I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.<br />
# Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.<br />
# I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.<br />
# What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?<br />
# I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.<br />
# Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.<br />
# It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.<br />
# Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.<br />
# No, my powers can only be used for good.Mostly Irrelephanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15045172413374272891noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266288531270444427.post-32656189954271224122011-04-13T08:44:00.000-07:002011-04-13T08:44:06.388-07:00Another one of these "don't laugh in church, god damnit" storiesMy Mom, cousins, and I disliked having to go to church with my grandparents on Easter. We went because of tradition, but really couldn't stand it. One Easter, Mom was driving us kids there, and someone brought up the old ladies who loudly sing the hymns.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
They have shrill, warbly, voices that are skull-piercingly bad. Baptist hymns also have a lot of impossibly high notes. So, there we were, four kids in the car were all trying to out-do each other in our impersonations.<br />
<br />
We arrived, and settled into our pew with my cousins lined up, then me, my mom, and finally my grandparents at the end. The first hymn started, and of course, the loudest, shrillest old lady was directly behind us. We were shaking and wiping tears as we tried to hold in the laughter, and were utterly unable to sing along. I leaned over and whispered something to my mom (how I wish I could remember what it was that I said) that made her almost lose it. Instead of succumbing to the laughter, though, she snorted a little, and shot a giant booger onto the shoulder of the little old man in front of her. At that point, all bets were off. Mom and I absolutely lost it, cracking up and falling over in the aisle as my Grandmother delivered her finest death-glare. I'm stifling giggles at work right now, because 13 years later I still can't help laughing at this.<br />
<br />
I think my favorite of my Mom's quotable remarks was, "I can't believe you made me shoot a boogie in church!"Mostly Irrelephanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15045172413374272891noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266288531270444427.post-42616480656104395112011-04-12T09:30:00.001-07:002011-04-12T09:30:54.476-07:00Ah, to be young and drunk...Back in my young drunken days I once stupidly kicked the door of a bus (breaking the window) because the bus driver wouldn't let me ride without paying. (I know, right?)<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
Since I was black-out drunk at the moment I didn't remember anything of the whole event when questioned by the police, and therefore wouldn't confess. So the case went to court...<br />
<br />
Six months later, in court, I still had no idea what had happened that night. When the bus driver was questioned, he stated that I had shown him my Club Nintendo member card (from 1993) and claimed that it granted me free bus rides. At this point I shouldn't have laughed. But I did. Loudly.<br />
<br />
Needless to say, I lost the case.Mostly Irrelephanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15045172413374272891noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266288531270444427.post-63398865669628394142011-04-11T09:23:00.000-07:002011-04-11T09:23:08.655-07:00Supressing laughter in church is the hardest thing to doSo, I am a bit of a man-child. I constantly find myself amused by the most silly things. Just like a child would be. My wife knows this and has forgiven me, I think. One easter, I begrudgingly went with my wife's family to Easter mass.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
The pastor declared that the church had "A very special treat for us" that day, and continued on through most of the service. When the time came for this "special treat", a man walked out wearing all black, with white face paint. It was a mime!<br />
<br />
I immediately get a sharp elbow to the ribs, as my wife knows damn well this is more than I can handle. I try to hold it together, and am actually doing a decent job when the music! starts. I have no clue what song it was, but it was a heartfelt song about the life and death of Jesus, up to and including his crucification. Keeping quiet suddenly became 10 times harder.<br />
<br />
My wife hands me a piece of gum, giving me something to concentrate on besides mimes, but its still hard as hell not to laugh. I am literally biting my tongue, to the point of blood being drawn, trying to contain myself, wondering the whole time if I am really going to see someone pantomime the nailing of a man to a cross. We get to the end of the song, i'm already crying from a combination of pain and contained laughter, and he actually starts to pantomime the crucification. I let out a few snickers and received another savage blow to the ribs, but it doesn't help. I found at that point that if I watch it on the projector screen, (there was a camera and a projector working in real time for the folks in back), it adds a degree of separation between myself and Mime-Jesus and allows me to not offend hundreds of people during easter service.<br />
<br />
Finally it was over. We leave the church, my wife and I in disbelief, the rest of her family touched by how wonderful the performance was. We get in our car(thank God we drove up in our own car separate from her family) where my wife and I proceeded to almost die of laughter. After it calmed down, she told me that her parents wanted her to court him when she was younger.<br />
<br />
I still make fun of her for almost marrying a mime.Mostly Irrelephanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15045172413374272891noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266288531270444427.post-37940048193625217512011-04-08T09:40:00.000-07:002011-04-08T09:40:26.107-07:00Did I mention my brain does funny stuff from time to time?One time, while attempting to exit a parking garage, I became frustrated because I couldn't find where the "down"-stairs were.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
Interestingly enough, I was standing right next to a staircase leading to the lower level, but for some reason my brain was telling me<br />
<br />
"No. You can't go down those stairs! That stairway is for people trying to come up to this level."<br />
<br />
(stairs==escalators??)... So I stood there for longer than I care to admit, until I finally realized that stairs aren't one way, and I could easily manage walking down them.Mostly Irrelephanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15045172413374272891noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266288531270444427.post-37069584639637242932011-04-07T10:03:00.000-07:002011-04-07T10:03:05.733-07:00Stock market reportToday's Stock Market Report:<br />
<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a>Helium was up, feathers were down.<br />
<br />
Paper was stationary.<br />
<br />
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.<br />
<br />
Knives were up sharply.<br />
<br />
Cows steered into a bull market.<br />
<br />
Pencils lost a few points.<br />
<br />
Hiking equipment was trailing.<br />
<br />
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.<br />
<br />
Weights were up in heavy trading.<br />
<br />
Light switches were off.<br />
<br />
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.<br />
<br />
Diapers remained unchanged.<br />
<br />
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.<br />
<br />
The market for raisins dried up.<br />
<br />
Coca Cola fizzled.<br />
<br />
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.<br />
<br />
Sun peaked at midday.<br />
<br />
Balloon prices were inflated.<br />
<br />
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.<br />
<br />
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.Mostly Irrelephanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15045172413374272891noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266288531270444427.post-62890690351768436562011-04-06T10:45:00.000-07:002011-04-06T10:45:33.234-07:00Corporate lingo listHere's a little clarification of corporate lingo.<br />
<br />
COMPETITIVE SALARY:<br />
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.<br />
<br />
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:<br />
We have no time to train you.<br />
<br />
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:<br />
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:<br />
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.<br />
<br />
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:<br />
Some time each night and some time each weekend.<br />
<br />
DUTIES WILL VARY:<br />
Anyone in the office can boss you around.<br />
<br />
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:<br />
We have no quality control.<br />
<br />
CAREER-MINDED:<br />
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).<br />
<br />
APPLY IN PERSON:<br />
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.<br />
<br />
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:<br />
We've filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality.<br />
<br />
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:<br />
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.<br />
<br />
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:<br />
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.<br />
<br />
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:<br />
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.<br />
<br />
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:<br />
Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do.<br />
<br />
I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:<br />
I've used Microsoft Office.<br />
<br />
I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:<br />
I pilfer office supplies.<br />
<br />
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:<br />
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.<br />
<br />
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:<br />
I blame others for my mistakes.<br />
<br />
I'M PERSONABLE:<br />
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co- workers.<br />
<br />
I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:<br />
I carry a Day-Timer.<br />
<br />
I AM ADAPTABLE:<br />
I've changed jobs a lot.<br />
<br />
I AM ON THE GO:<br />
I'm never at my desk.Mostly Irrelephanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15045172413374272891noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266288531270444427.post-25918106886157751232011-04-05T10:10:00.000-07:002011-04-05T10:10:00.216-07:00A bright new idea for general electionsYou know this quote from Douglas Adams' "Hitchhiker's Guide to the galaxy"?<br />
-Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
Well, I thought about that for a while and I came up with a refined proposition:<br />
Every 4 years we vote for the candidates. The winner then flips a coin, heads they take office and we beat the loser senseless, tails we beat them senseless and the loser takes office.<br />
Either way we get to beat a politician senseless, and people will think twice about running for office.<br />
<br />
What do you think?Mostly Irrelephanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15045172413374272891noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266288531270444427.post-63214515916774901472011-04-04T09:55:00.000-07:002011-04-04T09:55:51.715-07:00Found a new way to irritate fellow pedestriansSometimes when I walk somewhat slowly on the sidewalk and there is only one person behind me, they tend to try to pass me by going faster than me.<br />
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Sometimes, I like to mess with them. The art here is to slowly walk faster, so that you walk at the same speed once the person is right next to you.<br />
Then they'll start walking faster than intended, almost running if you do it just right - art is doing it without them knowing you're trying.<br />
Ain't I a stinker?Mostly Irrelephanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15045172413374272891noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266288531270444427.post-24322486661373627742011-04-01T12:28:00.000-07:002011-04-01T12:34:09.867-07:00Heavenly Intervention? Debatable...A man was driving down the street in a sweat because he had a very important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. <br />
<a name='more'></a>Looking up to heaven, he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to church every Sunday and quit drinking!" <br />
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Just then, a parking place appeared - the closest one imaginable. <br />
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The man looked up again and said, "Never mind, I just found one."Mostly Irrelephanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15045172413374272891noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266288531270444427.post-13369794270093294862011-03-31T11:48:00.000-07:002011-03-31T11:48:17.939-07:0015 Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."<br />
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14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."<br />
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13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"<br />
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12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"<br />
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11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"<br />
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10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"<br />
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9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.<br />
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8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."<br />
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7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."<br />
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6. "The coffee machine is broken...."<br />
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5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."<br />
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4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"<br />
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3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"<br />
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2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."<br />
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AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:<br />
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"Amen"Mostly Irrelephanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15045172413374272891noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266288531270444427.post-5892161364164265862011-03-30T10:51:00.001-07:002011-03-31T11:49:43.003-07:00TWELVE THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR AN EMPLOYEE TELL HIS/HER BOSS1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is always refreshing.<br />
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2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That greatly aids my efficiency.<br />
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3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.<br />
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4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I might need to learn how to function as a paraplegic in future and opening doors is good training.<br />
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5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.<br />
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6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.<br />
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7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could get me a promotion.<br />
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8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations.<br />
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9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done.<br />
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10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.<br />
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11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.<br />
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12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.Mostly Irrelephanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15045172413374272891noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266288531270444427.post-49306801618866725892011-03-29T11:53:00.001-07:002011-03-29T11:53:52.201-07:00Paperless office my ass, right?When I was doing desktop technical support, I had a guy call in on some issue, and I helped him out with it. During the small talk at the end of the call (while I'm updating my notes), he was explaining to me how great of a customer he was, and that he had spent a lot of money with our company. <br />
<a name='more'></a>The conversation went like this:<br />
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Guy: Yeah, I bought this computer, and one of your printer/scanner combos, and I went ahead and bought 10 ink cartridges for the printer, because I use them so fast.<br />
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Me: (Thinking that this might be a sales opportunity) So, what exactly are you printing with all those cartridges? You might be better off with a laser printer.<br />
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Guy: Well, I run a cell phone tower construction business. I've got crews all over the nation. Every week, at the end of the week, each crew leader emails me their teams' timecards in Word format. So, what I do, is I print them out from all of the emails. Then, when I have all the timecards printed, I put them in a stack and scan them in, so that I can keep track of all the timecards for that week in one single Word file.<br />
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Me: Okay, and you're keeping the paper copies for record keeping purposes?<br />
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Guy: No, I shred them.<br />
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Me: ...Mostly Irrelephanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15045172413374272891noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266288531270444427.post-36291024777964153332011-03-28T09:56:00.000-07:002011-03-28T09:56:06.205-07:00A barrel of sunshineSo, this guy decides to join the Navy. On his first day of service, he gets acquainted with all the facilities around the ship he will be serving on. <br />
<a name='more'></a>The guy asks the sailor showing him around, "What do you guys do around here when you get really horny after months of being out at sea?", to which the other replies, "Well, there is this barrel on the upper deck, just pump your cock in the side with the hole."<br />
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A couple of days pass, and the new guy is getting real horny and remembers the barrel. He climbs to upper deck and sees the barrel. Flings his shlong out and starts fucking the barrel. Its simply the best feeling he had ever experienced, it was truly a success!<br />
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After he was done, zipped up and merrily walking along, the guy who originally told him about the barrel walks by. "That barrel really was great! I could do it every day!"<br />
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To which the other crew member replies, "Yeah, you can every day except Thursday." Confused, the new guy asks why, to which the other guy replies, "Because its your turn in the barrel on Thursday."Mostly Irrelephanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15045172413374272891noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266288531270444427.post-89799031276904533222011-03-26T04:02:00.001-07:002011-03-26T04:02:59.656-07:00The Indian who never forgetsA man was on they way to visit his mother-in-law. The train made a stop next to a small Indian village. The man had heard that in this particular village there was a famous Indian Who Never Forgets.<br />
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<a name='more'></a>The man thought to himself, "that can't be true, he must forget at least once in a while," so he sought out this Indian to test his memory. He found the Indian sitting cross-legged in a tent.<br />
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"I am the Indian who never forgets! What can I do for you?" the Indian said.<br />
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"I'm skeptical about your ability to never forget." said the man. "Could you tell me what you had for breakfast last Monday?"<br />
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"Two eggs," the Indian said.<br />
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Convinced, the man went on his way.<br />
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Thirty years later, the same man was on his was to his late mother-in-law's funeral. The train stopped by the same Indian village and the man decided he would pay the Indian Who Never Forgets a quick visit.<br />
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The Indian, now of very old age, was sitting in the same tent as thirty years ago. The man entered the tent, smiled, gave a friendly wave and said, "Hao!"<br />
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"Scrambled," the Indian replied.Mostly Irrelephanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15045172413374272891noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266288531270444427.post-58294837760748285982011-03-24T11:27:00.001-07:002011-03-24T11:27:48.379-07:00Hey, Vetenarians gotta make a living, tooA man is concerned about his hamster. So he takes it to the Vet. The Vet takes one look and says, "I'm sorry - but your hamster's dead."<br />
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"Little Hammy?? That can't be! I insist on a second opinion!"<br />
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The Vet walks out of the room and returns with a Labrador, which takes two sniffs of the hamster and whines.<br />
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"Dog says your hamster is dead too," says the Vet.<br />
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"I can't accept the word of some dog! I want more tests!"<br />
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The Vet leaves the room again and this time returns with a black cat. The cat paws at the hamster a bit, then mews.<br />
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"Cat says your hamster is dead too," the Vet says.<br />
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Broken, the guy finally agrees his hamster has passed away and asks for his bill. When he reads how much he owes he blows his stack.<br />
<br />
"How can you possibly charge me so much just to tell me my hamster is dead?"<br />
<br />
"Well," the Vet says, "you're the one who insisted on the lab report and the cat scan."Mostly Irrelephanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15045172413374272891noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266288531270444427.post-88190902886093315212011-03-23T11:18:00.000-07:002011-03-23T11:18:05.697-07:00You just got to know how to play it rightOne day, the wife is alone and the doorbell rings.<br />
She opens the door to a guy.<br />
"Hi I'm Mike, is Tony home?"<br />
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."<br />
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So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says, "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen.<br />
I'd give you a hundred bucks just to see one."<br />
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks!<br />
She opens the robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred dollar bill on the table.<br />
They sit there a while longer and the guy then says<br />
"That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if i could just see both of them together."<br />
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not?<br />
So she opens her robe and gives Mike a nice long chance to cop a look.<br />
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A while later Tony arrives back home from the store.<br />
The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Mike came over today..."<br />
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"Mostly Irrelephanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15045172413374272891noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266288531270444427.post-10182473473835569002011-03-22T10:36:00.000-07:002011-03-22T10:37:37.312-07:00Now that's how you sell thingsA Lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.<br />
<a name='more'></a>Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed. She hopes and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near her.<br />
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well.<br />
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?<br />
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Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'<br />
He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"Mostly Irrelephanthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15045172413374272891noreply@blogger.com8