Just some good 'uns I found surfing the web. Some short, some longer but all are funny... at least to me

Conversation in the office: "Did you take French?" "No, I took German. But THEY took France, so..."

I just over heard a friend saying " on a scale of Anne Frank to Osama Bin Laden.... How good is my hiding spot?"

I told a girl once that if she had as many penises sticking out of her that had been stuck in her she would look like a porcupine.

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

Stuff I have to teach my nephews

- Teach them to yell "are you having sex?!" every time he knocks on a locked door.
- Teach my nephews a new game called “Hide the Remote”. The rules were simple, if they see a remote, they must hide it. As long as it is hidden, they are winning.

One week vacation, yay

So, once in a great while I do get some time off to just relax. This week, I won't be online at all if you can believe it. Well, not really. I still have to check my emails. But other than that I'm off the grid.
So I'll just leave you all with a funny picture I found this week.

I pride myself in standing up for myself - even if it's a little unconventional at times

At one point in my life, I did some time working overnights stocking shelves at my local Supermarket.
I had just moved home after graduating from college and was willing to take any job I could find while I looked for a 'real job'.

I really shouldn't go on flights anymore. I am starting to think it's me

Just before a short flight the plane stopped on the runway because of a "mechanical issue." They turned the plane around and went back to the gate.

You should be able to trust your pilot, shouldn't you?

So, we're flying to the US and about 30 seconds before we were due to land, (obviously we're travelling extremely fast at this point) an automated message comes over the speaker

It's friday and during the week this stuff kinda builds up

You know how it is. All week long you get berated and get loads of work shoved at you.
But you can't really say anything if you like getting a paycheck.

Another one of these "don't laugh in church, god damnit" stories

My Mom, cousins, and I disliked having to go to church with my grandparents on Easter. We went because of tradition, but really couldn't stand it. One Easter, Mom was driving us kids there, and someone brought up the old ladies who loudly sing the hymns.

Ah, to be young and drunk...

Back in my young drunken days I once stupidly kicked the door of a bus (breaking the window) because the bus driver wouldn't let me ride without paying. (I know, right?)

Supressing laughter in church is the hardest thing to do

So, I am a bit of a man-child. I constantly find myself amused by the most silly things. Just like a child would be. My wife knows this and has forgiven me, I think. One easter, I begrudgingly went with my wife's family to Easter mass.

Did I mention my brain does funny stuff from time to time?

One time, while attempting to exit a parking garage, I became frustrated because I couldn't find where the "down"-stairs were.

Stock market report

Today's Stock Market Report:

Corporate lingo list

Here's a little clarification of corporate lingo.

COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

A bright new idea for general elections

You know this quote from Douglas Adams' "Hitchhiker's Guide to the galaxy"?
-Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.

Found a new way to irritate fellow pedestrians

Sometimes when I walk somewhat slowly on the sidewalk and there is only one person behind me, they tend to try to pass me by going faster than me.

Heavenly Intervention? Debatable...

A man was driving down the street in a sweat because he had a very important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

15 Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

TWELVE THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR AN EMPLOYEE TELL HIS/HER BOSS

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is always refreshing.

2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That greatly aids my efficiency.

Paperless office my ass, right?

When I was doing desktop technical support, I had a guy call in on some issue, and I helped him out with it. During the small talk at the end of the call (while I'm updating my notes), he was explaining to me how great of a customer he was, and that he had spent a lot of money with our company.