Those were the days... according to my dad

Back in the mid-70's (when I was but a young-un), we lived in a large block of apartments (on the 7th floor). This block faced a couple of other similar apartment blocks.

One night when my mum was out and the kids were in bed, my dad and a couple of buddies decided they were going to watch a 'dutch' movie they had acquired.
Now, this was back in the days before VCR's and DVD's.

I think I'll need a vacation

Man I can be stupid at times. I sometimes tend to get in elevators... and not push anything.
I'll stand there rocking back and forth, whistling, and wondering why the hell I had to take the slowest fucking elevator on the planet.
Inevitably someone will then want to ride the elevator themselves, so the doors open and I exit thinking "finally!" and then proceed to stand there confused wondering how the lobby made it all the way up to the 6th floor before me.

A mind is a terrible thing to... loose

There was an old man sitting on a park bench crying. A young jogger passing by stops to see what's the matter.
Old man: I'm 93 years old and I just got married to a beautiful 22 year old girl. She has long brown hair, a gorgeous smile and an amazing body.
Jogger: Is she using you for your money?
Old man: No she loves me. Every night after cooking me a delicious dinner she puts on her lingerie, does a slow sexy strip-tease for me and makes love to me all night long.
Jogger: are you crying because you can't perform?
Old man: No the doc gave me Viagra and my new wife couldn't be happier.
Jogger: Then why are you crying what's the problem?!?!
Old man: I forgot where I live!

The three things you need to fix anything in the universe

1. Duct Tape
2. WD-40
3. A Hammer

* If it moves and it shouldn't, use Duct Tape
* If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40
* If neither of those work, use the hammer

If the hammer doesn't work, get a bigger hammer.

Who says you can't get good advise in church?

Sunday sermon, the pastor goes on about the devil that is alcohol and how hard it is on the alcoholics and so on and so forth.

He says: "And everytime I see some poor soul walk out of a bar, totally intoxicated, I want to call out to him: My friend, you are on the wrong path. Turn around!"

Oh god, I've given him an idea

Here's a conversation I recently had with my friend. Sometimes I can't help myself:

Me: Say, don't you have a spouse who tries every diet in the book to no avail?
Him: You know it...
Me: I heard about a new one that actually does make a difference.
Him: Go on...
Me: Just tell her she needs to go running; 5 miles in the morning and in the evening.
Him: Wow, that is all? And that really makes a difference?
Me: You bet. After a week of this she will already be 70 miles away and you can start looking for a new girlfriend without any hassle.

It was just one of these parties, you know?

I was visiting from out of state and was invited to a Christmas party with a few college friends and many friends and coworkers of said college friends.