Conversation in the office: "Did you take French?" "No, I took German. But THEY took France, so..."
I just over heard a friend saying " on a scale of Anne Frank to Osama Bin Laden.... How good is my hiding spot?"
I told a girl once that if she had as many penises sticking out of her that had been stuck in her she would look like a porcupine.
The best reason for calling in sick at work?
As in "I just couldn't see my ass coming into work today..."
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
You know, I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
6 plastic toy horses found inside a woman's vagina.
Patient's condition was described as "stable."
How do you titillate an ocelot?
You oscillate its tit a lot.
An old lady in front of me at the ATM asked me to help her check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
What's the best part about being a pedophile? Your cock looks FUCKING HUGE in pictures.
Why do Mexican teenagers walk around school like they own the place? Because their fathers built it and their mothers clean it.
A man walks into a pharmacy. The pharmacist says "Hi can I help you ?" The man says "I need to get some birth control for my 11 year old daughter." The pharmacist says "Your 11 year old daughter is sexual active ?" The man says "Nah.. she just lays there like her mother."
I called up the rape advice hotline yesterday. Apparently it's only for victims.
If the Simpsons taught us anything, it's that we shouldn't put yellow people in charge of nuclear power plants.
Say what you like about these servicemen amputees from Iraq and Afghanistan, but we're going to have a fucking good Paralympic team in 2012
So I was eating out my grandma, right? When all of a sudden I started to taste donkey semen. I was like aw, Grandma, that's how you died?
Teach a Japanese man to fish, he'll eat for a day. Give a Japanese man a net and he might find his family.
A snail is on his way to work. Suddenly, a turtle knocks him down and steals his wallet.
Moments later, the police arrive. They ask the snail what happened. He said, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."
Forget about the past, you can't change it. Forget about the future, you can't predict it. Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.
Police department, can I help you?
Hello? Well, I just hit a pig with my car, what should I do?
Oh, just shove it in the ditch, sir.
Okay, and what do I do with the motorcycle? Do you guys want it back?