Monday, February 28, 2011

Interesting ways to answer the phone

"Wrigley Field, third base..."
"Golden Eagle, this is Echo Base. The laundry is dry. I repeat, the laundry is dry."
Pick up the phone and before the other person can say anything, say "Hi -- can I speak to Joe, please?"
"Go ahead Caller, you're on the air"
"Hello, the person you are calling right now is unavailable and the answering machine is on the fritz. This is the refrigerator. Please leave a message after the beep and I'll stick it to myself with a magnet."

Sunday, February 27, 2011

At the doctors office

The husband waits outside while the doctor is diagnosing the wife.
She is still in the examination room when the doctor comes out to speak with the man.

"Sir, I have some bad news. Your wife has either Alzheimer's or AIDS."
"You can't tell which one? What am I supposed to do?"

"There is one thing that you can do... drive her out to the middle of nowhere and leave her there - if she comes back, don't fuck her."

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Politically... incorrect?

A married couple has twins. They decide to name the twins after their fathers. The Arab man's father was named Amal, and his Mexican wife's father's name was Juan. To celebrate the twins' tenth birthday, they go to an amusement park. While standing in line for a funnel cake, the parents realize their sons are nowhere to be seen. They search around, but to no avail. Finally, they run to park security.

"You've got to help us," the wife says. "We've lost our sons!"

"Okay just calm down, ma'am," says the security guard. "We'll find them. Do you have a picture of them?"

"Yes, sir, right here," she says, and hands him a picture of Juan.

"Do you have a picture of the other boy, ma'am?"

"Well, they're identical twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Friday, February 25, 2011

Some old dogs actually want to learn new tricks

An older fellow is sitting on his porch when a young man pulls up in a car and says, "Excuse me, sir. I notice you have milkweed growing in your field, may I get some milk?"

Thursday, February 24, 2011

A farmer and his three daughters

A farmer has three daughters and one night they are all going on dates.

At 6:00 there was a knock on the door and the farmer opens the door. The boy outside says:

Hi, my name is Freddy,
I here to see Betty,
We're going out for Spaghetti.
Is she ready?

And the farmer says yes, and they leave.

At 7:00, there is another knock at the door. The farmer opens the door. The boy outside says:

Hi my names Joe.
I'm here to see Flo,
We're going to a show,
Is she ready to go?

The farmer says yes, and the leave.

At 8:00, there is a knock at the door. The farmer opens the door. The boy outside says:

Hi my names Chuck...
And the farmer shoots him.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Things I ask myself

If I could be any animal, what animal would I want to be?
Well, I think I'd be a lion... it's just all about fucking..., feeding..., rad hairdo...

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Rest in... pieces

... in memoriam to my son,
who on this day, approximately 9 months before his birth,
lost his life in a fist fight.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Math Lesson: 1=0.999... Explained

x        = 0.9999...
10x    = 9.9999...
10x-x = 9.9999... - 0.9999...
9x      = 9
x        = 1
x = 1 and this equals x = 0.9999...

1 = 0.9999...

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Welcome to Mostly Irrelephant

Well, here it is.
I decided to setup a blog with the most trivial, non-essential stuff I can find. And everything will be mostly irrelephant. That is, it will have nothing to do with elephants whatsoever. It will be therefore irrelephant.

Check back frequently to see new stuff.