Friday, April 22, 2011

I pride myself in standing up for myself - even if it's a little unconventional at times

At one point in my life, I did some time working overnights stocking shelves at my local Supermarket.
I had just moved home after graduating from college and was willing to take any job I could find while I looked for a 'real job'.

Anywho, I got the job and was told that I would need to shave my goatee. Fucking hell, why? Its not like my facial hair was going to fall into cans of soup...
I shaved the first night but soon hatched a plan to regrow my goatee. This decision would lead to glorious reprocussions down the line.

First a little background on the folks who worked the night shift, hiding from the rest of the world:

Night Manager Guy: Timid, early 40s. Worked at this store for 10+ years. Lived with parents. Was afraid of confrontation. Never mentioned that my goatee was growing back or that I was showing up 2 hours late everyday stoned to the bejeebus belt.

Shelf Stocker Guy #1: stuck in 80s. Rocked a mullet and acid washed jeans. Always told tales of growing up driving around the country in his dad's semitruck. Possible meth addiction. Rode bike to work everyday. Lived with parents. Referred to himself as "Assistant Night Manager" even though no such position existed.

Shelf Stocker Guys Girlfriend/Shelf Stocker Gal #1: terrible frizzy 80s hair. acid washed jeans. Missing multiple teeth. Also rode bike to work. Was once fired from her position for stealing bottles of cooking wine and drinking them. Was rehired after going to rehab. Still stole bottles of cooking wine.

Shelf Stocker Guys #2, #3, #4 and #5: The scum of humanity. Drunks, drug addicts, womanizers... Working overnight at grocery store to hide from rest of world. Combined IQ of 30. Hated me for having high school diploma (and college degree).

Anywho, I did not take this job seriously. I showed up (multiple hours) late and always left (multiple hours) early. I did this for MONTHS and no one ever said anything to me. Night Manager was too timid to open his mouth and others were too fucked up on drugs to ever notice. I also had regrown my goatee to it's former glory.

This all changed one day when Night Manager Guy went on vacation and SSG#1 took over as 'Acting Night Manager' (what he referred to himself as).

I showed up at the stroke of 12:30am (high as shit, natch) and grabbed my cart of stock and began to fill the shelves.

Not five minutes pass until SSG#1 comes up to me...

SSG#1: Hey Dead Doug, how many times have I told you that you need to shave before coming to work?

Me: Ummm...never? Do you remember that you're not the boss?

SSG#1: I'm the boss when TIMID NIGHT MANAGER is gone, and I need you to shave.

[hands me bic disposable razor]

SSG#1: Go in the back room and clean that goatee up.

Me: You want me to shave my goatee off dry? No water or shaving cream?

SSG#1: Yes, this will teach you to shave before work!

At this point, an argument ensues and I convince him to get me a fancy Gillette Mach 3 razor for the shaving and a nice can of gel shaving cream.

I take my $20 worth of shaving material to the upstairs bathroom and proceed to cut my goatee into the best handlebar mustache/fu manchu the world has ever known. I got back out onto the floor and SSG#1 is waiting for me.

SSG#1: The manual sez that your mustache has to be cut to the corner of your mouth!!! Its too long!

At this point I have had enough of SSG#1 and bullshit arbitrary rules. I'm about ready to tell to go fuck himself and walk out but I decided to have a little fun with the situation.

Again, I make him buy me a new razor for the Mach 3 and I go upstairs and this time cut my goatee into the prettiest Hitler stache the world has ever known.

I go back out to the sales floor, goose-step to SSG#1 and tell him 'Thanks for the shave' and flip the double middle fingers as I goose-step across the store and out to my a boss.


  1. LOL I don't know what's the problem with facial hair or long hair in general in work zones =/. I'll never understand, but Hitler mustache, you did an epic win for sure hahaha >_<

  2. True this. A small victory is still a victory

  3. hitler! like a boss!

    one thing is for sure, people wont mess with you when you have that!

  4. What the hell is wrong with facial hair in the first place, it's these type of establishments that I would never work for. I couldn't handle that without punching someone.

  5. Nice! I always wanted to do something like this. Just give a real cocky attitude to my boss, tell him to eat a bag, and just leave. I used to work at Staples, and I did have a glorious moment, where I told my managers that they're lying to customers and bascially greedy scum bags. Quit the next day, like a boss. Congrats

  6. You shaved AND quit, he won.

  7. probably best you quit, I've done my fair share of late night stocking grocery and I can attest most of those people are nutzz.

  8. Such a good post. The descriptions of the people there are jokes. Usually I don't like confrontations at the workplace..part time jobs and what have you. I worked at Uniqlo in London. We went through soo many managers. Some good some bad. This one manager Ed Subhari (a dick) told me I had to be clean shaven. There's no rule that says so. Repeatedly he told me to, I refused. Eventually he was made to leave, he was a bad manager. Sucks that you had to lose the job over something like this but I'm sure you went onto greater things. After 2 years at Uniqlo, I walked out and a quit one Sunday. I was in my final year at university and a french manager refused to give me 2 weeks time off. I probably shouldn't have just quit, but it felt right and it was the spur of the moment !