15 Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

TWELVE THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR AN EMPLOYEE TELL HIS/HER BOSS

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is always refreshing.

2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That greatly aids my efficiency.

Paperless office my ass, right?

When I was doing desktop technical support, I had a guy call in on some issue, and I helped him out with it. During the small talk at the end of the call (while I'm updating my notes), he was explaining to me how great of a customer he was, and that he had spent a lot of money with our company.

A barrel of sunshine

So, this guy decides to join the Navy. On his first day of service, he gets acquainted with all the facilities around the ship he will be serving on.

The Indian who never forgets

A man was on they way to visit his mother-in-law. The train made a stop next to a small Indian village. The man had heard that in this particular village there was a famous Indian Who Never Forgets.

Hey, Vetenarians gotta make a living, too

A man is concerned about his hamster. So he takes it to the Vet. The Vet takes one look and says, "I'm sorry - but your hamster's dead."

You just got to know how to play it right

One day, the wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens the door to a guy.
"Hi I'm Mike, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

Now that's how you sell things

A Lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

You gotta do what the voice tells ya

Monday morning, a lonely baker is brushing his teeth in the bathroom. All of a sudden he hears a deep, booming voice telling him: "Michael, sell your bakery..!"

A couple of things that go through my mind on a sunday

You know what the moral of Disney's Up is? - You can only go on having an adventure once your wife is dead!

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My new motto? - "Episode IV of your life begins at 30. Everything before that is just prequels."

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You know, I think foreplay is totally unnecessary. I mean, I don't stand in front of the garage and honk for 15 minutes before I drive in...

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My favorite passtime? - Whenever I get bored on long train rides, I google the novels people are reading and tell them the ending

Amish paradise?

An Amish family decided to visit a city, and while in the city, they stopped by a fancy hotel to check it out.

Some people learn about great comebacks very early

A boy and his grandfather are fishing in a boat.
The grandfather cracks a beer and the little boy immediately asks: "Can I have some of that?"
To which is grandfather replies "Well can your dick touch your ass?"

Some sound advise

My father once told me "Son, a piece you turn down is a piece you'll never get again."

I refuse to talk "Starbucks Talk"

A "Coffee Grande"? No way!

Okay, so I am not really fluent in "Navy Speak"

This is a conversation I recently had with my buddy who wanted to show me around his naval base.

Old school humor, I guess - Or how you can troll your grandkids

Some grandparents have odd senses of humor. My grandpa's was very particular.

So, I went to a wedding last night

It was a really great time. Especially once the dancefloor was opened up for business.

General rule of thumb?

Regarding the internet, we should adopt the treehouse-principle.

How old do you think I am?

Have you ever looked at people your own age and thought "It can't be true that I look as old as them, can it?"
If so, this story is for you:

And then the fight(s) started

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ìI want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.î I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

Those were the days... according to my dad

Back in the mid-70's (when I was but a young-un), we lived in a large block of apartments (on the 7th floor). This block faced a couple of other similar apartment blocks.

One night when my mum was out and the kids were in bed, my dad and a couple of buddies decided they were going to watch a 'dutch' movie they had acquired.
Now, this was back in the days before VCR's and DVD's.

I think I'll need a vacation

Man I can be stupid at times. I sometimes tend to get in elevators... and not push anything.
I'll stand there rocking back and forth, whistling, and wondering why the hell I had to take the slowest fucking elevator on the planet.
Inevitably someone will then want to ride the elevator themselves, so the doors open and I exit thinking "finally!" and then proceed to stand there confused wondering how the lobby made it all the way up to the 6th floor before me.

A mind is a terrible thing to... loose

There was an old man sitting on a park bench crying. A young jogger passing by stops to see what's the matter.
Old man: I'm 93 years old and I just got married to a beautiful 22 year old girl. She has long brown hair, a gorgeous smile and an amazing body.
Jogger: Is she using you for your money?
Old man: No she loves me. Every night after cooking me a delicious dinner she puts on her lingerie, does a slow sexy strip-tease for me and makes love to me all night long.
Jogger: are you crying because you can't perform?
Old man: No the doc gave me Viagra and my new wife couldn't be happier.
Jogger: Then why are you crying what's the problem?!?!
Old man: I forgot where I live!

The three things you need to fix anything in the universe

1. Duct Tape
2. WD-40
3. A Hammer

* If it moves and it shouldn't, use Duct Tape
* If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40
* If neither of those work, use the hammer

If the hammer doesn't work, get a bigger hammer.

Who says you can't get good advise in church?

Sunday sermon, the pastor goes on about the devil that is alcohol and how hard it is on the alcoholics and so on and so forth.

He says: "And everytime I see some poor soul walk out of a bar, totally intoxicated, I want to call out to him: My friend, you are on the wrong path. Turn around!"

Oh god, I've given him an idea

Here's a conversation I recently had with my friend. Sometimes I can't help myself:

Me: Say, don't you have a spouse who tries every diet in the book to no avail?
Him: You know it...
Me: I heard about a new one that actually does make a difference.
Him: Go on...
Me: Just tell her she needs to go running; 5 miles in the morning and in the evening.
Him: Wow, that is all? And that really makes a difference?
Me: You bet. After a week of this she will already be 70 miles away and you can start looking for a new girlfriend without any hassle.

It was just one of these parties, you know?

I was visiting from out of state and was invited to a Christmas party with a few college friends and many friends and coworkers of said college friends.