It was just one of these parties, you know?

I was visiting from out of state and was invited to a Christmas party with a few college friends and many friends and coworkers of said college friends.


So, it was a decent sized party of 30yr olds, a handful of which I was very comfortable with, the rest I didn't know at all. It was one of those parties where everyone's trying to be classy, wearing ties and heels and shit. But, you could also feel that there was a very real chance that the party was going to devolve into keg stands, unsolicited blowjobs and vomiting later in the evening.

One woman, a coworker of a teacher friend, was getting drunk and flailing around a bit, having a good time. I didn't know her, but she seemed like fun and we were joking back and forth. She knocked something over in her flailings for the second time in 5 minutes and I told her:

"You know, maybe you should wear a helmet."

The group laughed. She did not. She said:

"You know... I'm a special ed teacher and I have many students who have to wear helmets.

The group laughed even harder, both at the situation and at me... waiting for me to dig myself out of that hole, which is OK. I'm used to sticking my foot in my mouth.

I felt bad. I apologized profusely and told her I didn't mean anything by it, that I just meant she was getting a little crazy and that there was nothing wrong with that.

But, she would have none of it. And, she was not only upset that I had told her she should wear a helmet, but she thought everyone was now laughing at her. She ranted for a while until I realized that this was going on way longer than necessary; that she was drunk and she was milking it quite a lot. In an effort to put an end to her tirade, I told her that I had already apologized and that she shouldn't let one stupid remark ruin her night. She said:

"I just don't like being told I need to wear a helmet", to which I replied:

"You mean this has happened before?!"

The group lost it. The special ed teacher threw in the towel and left without a word. I basked in my shining moment of glory. I felt kind of bad, but then it's not every day one gets the opportunity to remove one's foot from one's mouth, turn it around and blast it up the ass of a drunken, invective special ed teacher.