Just some good 'uns I found surfing the web. Some short, some longer but all are funny... at least to me

Conversation in the office: "Did you take French?" "No, I took German. But THEY took France, so..."

I just over heard a friend saying " on a scale of Anne Frank to Osama Bin Laden.... How good is my hiding spot?"

I told a girl once that if she had as many penises sticking out of her that had been stuck in her she would look like a porcupine.

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

Stuff I have to teach my nephews

- Teach them to yell "are you having sex?!" every time he knocks on a locked door.
- Teach my nephews a new game called “Hide the Remote”. The rules were simple, if they see a remote, they must hide it. As long as it is hidden, they are winning.

One week vacation, yay

So, once in a great while I do get some time off to just relax. This week, I won't be online at all if you can believe it. Well, not really. I still have to check my emails. But other than that I'm off the grid.
So I'll just leave you all with a funny picture I found this week.

I pride myself in standing up for myself - even if it's a little unconventional at times

At one point in my life, I did some time working overnights stocking shelves at my local Supermarket.
I had just moved home after graduating from college and was willing to take any job I could find while I looked for a 'real job'.

I really shouldn't go on flights anymore. I am starting to think it's me

Just before a short flight the plane stopped on the runway because of a "mechanical issue." They turned the plane around and went back to the gate.

You should be able to trust your pilot, shouldn't you?

So, we're flying to the US and about 30 seconds before we were due to land, (obviously we're travelling extremely fast at this point) an automated message comes over the speaker

It's friday and during the week this stuff kinda builds up

You know how it is. All week long you get berated and get loads of work shoved at you.
But you can't really say anything if you like getting a paycheck.

Another one of these "don't laugh in church, god damnit" stories

My Mom, cousins, and I disliked having to go to church with my grandparents on Easter. We went because of tradition, but really couldn't stand it. One Easter, Mom was driving us kids there, and someone brought up the old ladies who loudly sing the hymns.

Ah, to be young and drunk...

Back in my young drunken days I once stupidly kicked the door of a bus (breaking the window) because the bus driver wouldn't let me ride without paying. (I know, right?)

Supressing laughter in church is the hardest thing to do

So, I am a bit of a man-child. I constantly find myself amused by the most silly things. Just like a child would be. My wife knows this and has forgiven me, I think. One easter, I begrudgingly went with my wife's family to Easter mass.

Did I mention my brain does funny stuff from time to time?

One time, while attempting to exit a parking garage, I became frustrated because I couldn't find where the "down"-stairs were.

Stock market report

Today's Stock Market Report:

Corporate lingo list

Here's a little clarification of corporate lingo.

COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

A bright new idea for general elections

You know this quote from Douglas Adams' "Hitchhiker's Guide to the galaxy"?
-Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.

Found a new way to irritate fellow pedestrians

Sometimes when I walk somewhat slowly on the sidewalk and there is only one person behind me, they tend to try to pass me by going faster than me.

Heavenly Intervention? Debatable...

A man was driving down the street in a sweat because he had a very important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

15 Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

TWELVE THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR AN EMPLOYEE TELL HIS/HER BOSS

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is always refreshing.

2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That greatly aids my efficiency.

Paperless office my ass, right?

When I was doing desktop technical support, I had a guy call in on some issue, and I helped him out with it. During the small talk at the end of the call (while I'm updating my notes), he was explaining to me how great of a customer he was, and that he had spent a lot of money with our company.

A barrel of sunshine

So, this guy decides to join the Navy. On his first day of service, he gets acquainted with all the facilities around the ship he will be serving on.

The Indian who never forgets

A man was on they way to visit his mother-in-law. The train made a stop next to a small Indian village. The man had heard that in this particular village there was a famous Indian Who Never Forgets.

Hey, Vetenarians gotta make a living, too

A man is concerned about his hamster. So he takes it to the Vet. The Vet takes one look and says, "I'm sorry - but your hamster's dead."

You just got to know how to play it right

One day, the wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens the door to a guy.
"Hi I'm Mike, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

Now that's how you sell things

A Lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

You gotta do what the voice tells ya

Monday morning, a lonely baker is brushing his teeth in the bathroom. All of a sudden he hears a deep, booming voice telling him: "Michael, sell your bakery..!"

A couple of things that go through my mind on a sunday

You know what the moral of Disney's Up is? - You can only go on having an adventure once your wife is dead!

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My new motto? - "Episode IV of your life begins at 30. Everything before that is just prequels."

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You know, I think foreplay is totally unnecessary. I mean, I don't stand in front of the garage and honk for 15 minutes before I drive in...

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My favorite passtime? - Whenever I get bored on long train rides, I google the novels people are reading and tell them the ending

Amish paradise?

An Amish family decided to visit a city, and while in the city, they stopped by a fancy hotel to check it out.

Some people learn about great comebacks very early

A boy and his grandfather are fishing in a boat.
The grandfather cracks a beer and the little boy immediately asks: "Can I have some of that?"
To which is grandfather replies "Well can your dick touch your ass?"

Some sound advise

My father once told me "Son, a piece you turn down is a piece you'll never get again."

I refuse to talk "Starbucks Talk"

A "Coffee Grande"? No way!

Okay, so I am not really fluent in "Navy Speak"

This is a conversation I recently had with my buddy who wanted to show me around his naval base.

Old school humor, I guess - Or how you can troll your grandkids

Some grandparents have odd senses of humor. My grandpa's was very particular.

So, I went to a wedding last night

It was a really great time. Especially once the dancefloor was opened up for business.

General rule of thumb?

Regarding the internet, we should adopt the treehouse-principle.

How old do you think I am?

Have you ever looked at people your own age and thought "It can't be true that I look as old as them, can it?"
If so, this story is for you:

And then the fight(s) started

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ìI want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.î I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

Those were the days... according to my dad

Back in the mid-70's (when I was but a young-un), we lived in a large block of apartments (on the 7th floor). This block faced a couple of other similar apartment blocks.

One night when my mum was out and the kids were in bed, my dad and a couple of buddies decided they were going to watch a 'dutch' movie they had acquired.
Now, this was back in the days before VCR's and DVD's.

I think I'll need a vacation

Man I can be stupid at times. I sometimes tend to get in elevators... and not push anything.
I'll stand there rocking back and forth, whistling, and wondering why the hell I had to take the slowest fucking elevator on the planet.
Inevitably someone will then want to ride the elevator themselves, so the doors open and I exit thinking "finally!" and then proceed to stand there confused wondering how the lobby made it all the way up to the 6th floor before me.

A mind is a terrible thing to... loose

There was an old man sitting on a park bench crying. A young jogger passing by stops to see what's the matter.
Old man: I'm 93 years old and I just got married to a beautiful 22 year old girl. She has long brown hair, a gorgeous smile and an amazing body.
Jogger: Is she using you for your money?
Old man: No she loves me. Every night after cooking me a delicious dinner she puts on her lingerie, does a slow sexy strip-tease for me and makes love to me all night long.
Jogger: are you crying because you can't perform?
Old man: No the doc gave me Viagra and my new wife couldn't be happier.
Jogger: Then why are you crying what's the problem?!?!
Old man: I forgot where I live!

The three things you need to fix anything in the universe

1. Duct Tape
2. WD-40
3. A Hammer

* If it moves and it shouldn't, use Duct Tape
* If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40
* If neither of those work, use the hammer

If the hammer doesn't work, get a bigger hammer.

Who says you can't get good advise in church?

Sunday sermon, the pastor goes on about the devil that is alcohol and how hard it is on the alcoholics and so on and so forth.

He says: "And everytime I see some poor soul walk out of a bar, totally intoxicated, I want to call out to him: My friend, you are on the wrong path. Turn around!"

Oh god, I've given him an idea

Here's a conversation I recently had with my friend. Sometimes I can't help myself:

Me: Say, don't you have a spouse who tries every diet in the book to no avail?
Him: You know it...
Me: I heard about a new one that actually does make a difference.
Him: Go on...
Me: Just tell her she needs to go running; 5 miles in the morning and in the evening.
Him: Wow, that is all? And that really makes a difference?
Me: You bet. After a week of this she will already be 70 miles away and you can start looking for a new girlfriend without any hassle.

It was just one of these parties, you know?

I was visiting from out of state and was invited to a Christmas party with a few college friends and many friends and coworkers of said college friends.

Interesting ways to answer the phone

"Wrigley Field, third base..."
"Golden Eagle, this is Echo Base. The laundry is dry. I repeat, the laundry is dry."
Pick up the phone and before the other person can say anything, say "Hi -- can I speak to Joe, please?"
"Go ahead Caller, you're on the air"
"Hello, the person you are calling right now is unavailable and the answering machine is on the fritz. This is the refrigerator. Please leave a message after the beep and I'll stick it to myself with a magnet."

At the doctors office

The husband waits outside while the doctor is diagnosing the wife.
She is still in the examination room when the doctor comes out to speak with the man.

"Sir, I have some bad news. Your wife has either Alzheimer's or AIDS."
"You can't tell which one? What am I supposed to do?"

"There is one thing that you can do... drive her out to the middle of nowhere and leave her there - if she comes back, don't fuck her."

Politically... incorrect?

A married couple has twins. They decide to name the twins after their fathers. The Arab man's father was named Amal, and his Mexican wife's father's name was Juan. To celebrate the twins' tenth birthday, they go to an amusement park. While standing in line for a funnel cake, the parents realize their sons are nowhere to be seen. They search around, but to no avail. Finally, they run to park security.

"You've got to help us," the wife says. "We've lost our sons!"

"Okay just calm down, ma'am," says the security guard. "We'll find them. Do you have a picture of them?"

"Yes, sir, right here," she says, and hands him a picture of Juan.

"Do you have a picture of the other boy, ma'am?"

"Well, they're identical twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Some old dogs actually want to learn new tricks

An older fellow is sitting on his porch when a young man pulls up in a car and says, "Excuse me, sir. I notice you have milkweed growing in your field, may I get some milk?"

A farmer and his three daughters

A farmer has three daughters and one night they are all going on dates.

At 6:00 there was a knock on the door and the farmer opens the door. The boy outside says:

Hi, my name is Freddy,
I here to see Betty,
We're going out for Spaghetti.
Is she ready?

And the farmer says yes, and they leave.

At 7:00, there is another knock at the door. The farmer opens the door. The boy outside says:

Hi my names Joe.
I'm here to see Flo,
We're going to a show,
Is she ready to go?

The farmer says yes, and the leave.

At 8:00, there is a knock at the door. The farmer opens the door. The boy outside says:

Hi my names Chuck...
And the farmer shoots him.

Things I ask myself

If I could be any animal, what animal would I want to be?
Well, I think I'd be a lion... it's just all about fucking..., feeding..., rad hairdo...

Rest in... pieces

... in memoriam to my son,
who on this day, approximately 9 months before his birth,
lost his life in a fist fight.

Math Lesson: 1=0.999... Explained

x        = 0.9999...
10x    = 9.9999...
10x-x = 9.9999... - 0.9999...
9x      = 9
x        = 1
========================
x = 1 and this equals x = 0.9999...

therefor:
1 = 0.9999...

Welcome to Mostly Irrelephant

Well, here it is.
I decided to setup a blog with the most trivial, non-essential stuff I can find. And everything will be mostly irrelephant. That is, it will have nothing to do with elephants whatsoever. It will be therefore irrelephant.

Check back frequently to see new stuff.